Living in the land of Limbo

Hi, my name is Louise and I am currently living in Limbo, but

 I don't like it and I'm not very good at it.

We had a tour start date of 10th Jan, got my head around this then it changed to later in the month. Right now we are in state limbo....the dictionary definition of this is: 'an uncertain situation that you cannot control and in which there is no progress or improvement' yup that is right where we are.

My husband is on leave before some pre-training, we still have some time to go so not completely in 'he's off tomorrow mode' I have made some lists and tried to be a little organised but right now there is not much I can do other than.....SIT......AND.........WAIT for D Day, not that I want deployment day to come but we are all waiting for it like the bloody number 4 bus.

We are totally skint because he's off work at the moment and everyday its like "Shall we get a takeaway, I mean you are going away soon" "Shall we go out for lunch, we should spent time together because you go away soon" my waistline is increasing and my bank balance isn't shrinking, its shrunk. 

I am craving routine and normality and my body is telling me I am stressed....I have a raging stye in one eye, mouth ulcers and just feel a bit on edge. It absolutely isn't that I want him to go away of course I don't but we are all here just sat waiting for the inevitable and boy I know whats waiting for me.....those first two weeks of hell! I just feel like I'd like to just dig in and get that crappy first emotional little bit done and grab the deployment with both hands and for routine to prevail so I can get into my groove, you know?

I want to start ticking days off

As we had a bit more time before he goes we have a few more memory making bits booked in the diary...more deployment money we are spending before we even have started but still it IS important to make those memories prior to a deployment it just feels like its been for about three weeks we've been in this mode!

I am trying to relish this period for the little time we have left but it is exhausting, everything I say I feel like oh but he's off soon, should I have said that? I don't want to bicker, I want it to be perfect so my memory vision is perfect. Every time he holds my hand and it's all warm I want to blink and add it to my minds memory box, every time I have a cuddle and hear his heartbeat I want to really etch it on my brain and every time we do something I want to take photos.

Perfect doesn't exist, we all know that so a day at a time skidding through this weird limbo period. If you too have a deployment on the horizon, lets limbo together because I'm finding it pretty tricky and would welcome you on the ride with me! 

Lots of love, Louise xxx

Pre Deployment getaway and my recommendations for your Little Troopers

When we found out that my husband was going on a long deployment in 2018 I felt like I just wanted to book something and go away and hide from the world for a weekend.

I wanted to overdose on my husband

We went to the seaside for one night and then the New Forest for one night and it was idyllic and perfect and we laughed lots while making memories. Next month it is 15 years since we got married and we realised this weekend was the FIRST time we have gone away for the weekend without our daughter and for no particular reason, which is shocking. We, you, everyone should make time especially when we spend so long apart from each other, this is our seventh long operational tour...why have we not done a pre-deployment break before?

Mudeford in Dorset

Typically my husbands deployment date has changed and he now doesn't go until the end of the month so the break was a bit premature but still, I loved it and I took in the views and the sea air promising myself to remember those moments when I am really resentful to him being away four months into the deployment!!!

The Mill at Gorleton, New Forest

I did drink slightly too much red vino on the second night and ended up crying, to which the lovely lady at the hotel asked why, I explained, she started crying.....so I guess I am potentially suppressing some feelings but that is natural, I can't spend the next few weeks crying I am determined to try and do things differently this time and wasting time being sad while I could be enjoying the time just seems silly. I have done that previously and it's miserable.

The time we have now before he deploys I want to aim to be organised, get my diary full for the coming months and I will blog some checklists that I am going to put together as we go along so I can share as much as possible which may help you now or one day in the future.

My recommendations for your Little Troopers when they have Mummy and/or Daddy away

Through my work with Little Troopers I have discovered a few really good sites, products, ideas that I wish I had known about when our daughter was a little younger, we all feel helpless sometimes when your children are really struggling with a deployment and hopefully these ideas will empower you to find ways to ease the separation.

On the Little Troopers website is a specific Parents section, with information on Keeping in Touch, Coping, Homecoming and lots more. See HERE 

Books can sometimes really help, it is limited what is out there for British Armed Forces children (we are working on a project to fix this) for now though we have read and had reviewed the books that we would recommend and could help you right now, lots of options for all ages and you can view the Recommended Reads list HERE 

Pillowcases

In a recent post I mentioned the photo pillowcase I bought for my husband (which he loves!) but Amy who run Ginger Rainbow and is a military wife also has colour in pillowcases which parent and child could do together and parent takes away or child has at home or child could do and send. Either way a good idea I liked and can be found HERE  (£15)

Huggable Heroes

Jo is a military wife who runs the business creating Huggable Heroes, really great to have them in the UK now as when my daughter was younger I wanted one but only the US were making them (Daddy Dolls) and the shipping was expensive. Head over to the Huggable Heroes site for all the details or photo you need to send, children can take their 'hero' to nursery, nap time, special occasions even though they are away from home! Shop HERE (£25)

Worry Monster Frame

Another military wife doing amazingly and this time it is Sara, her worry monsters I have only just found (via Instagram, you can follow me @louiselittletroopers) it is a simple idea of children being able to 'pass on' any worries at the end of each day which I love and can really see lots of children benefiting from having these. Head over to the Etsy shop HERE (£23.99)

Reading Force

A family book club scheme specifically for military families and free to sign up to. all members of the family read the same book which you get sent and then you can talk about it, ignites conversation while on the phone! See HERE

Countdown Chalkboards

Very simple idea which children love and easy to amend if days get added to deployment, I just googled and they seem to be really expensive these days?! We have some in our shop for £6.50 very limited stock left though See HERE (£6.50) 

Cloud Pets

Really cute and many recommend these for little ones, a soft toy that links to an app and messages can be sent back and forth through the toy. See HERE 

Obviously there is lots of support available via Little Troopers specifically to help children who have a military parent serving away from home; Separation Packs, Send a Hug kits, Little Troopers Treasures story recording app, Separation journals, Weekly planner sheets, Activity sheets for countdown jars, separation paper chains and much more so do pop to www.littletroopers.net and get your hands on that support, lots of it is free.

I wish I could find a pause button as I know its going to be a rocky 2018 but I am buckled up and ready for the ride, I know I can do this, preparation is key! 

Love Louise xxx

Christmas with the black cloud

30th December and Christmas 2017 is now done, I have even taken the tree down although I am definitely not ready for January to arrive.

January = Deployment day

We found out in October that my husband was being deployed in January for over six months, it wasn't expected and it took a while to sink in. It meant that Christmas in my mind needed to be absolutely amazing and we would be blissfully happy throughout the entire duration of the festive season...no pressure! 

The reality was we all bickered, ate and drank too much and the job list I wrote my husband of 'things you need to do before you go away' has not had one of the jobs ticked off as yet BUT we did make it to the end of the list of things I booked and have made some lovely memories. We have over spent but we've said it over and over...we can save while he is away so might as well spend now while he is here.

Lovely hotel we stayed at in Winchester

I know myself, I know how I tick and I knew that Christmas would have a black cloud of deployment over it but I've made myself try where I can to put that in a box so it didn't ruin the festive season. The last long deployment we did I lost the plot in this pre-deployment phase, I just couldn't cope.

Six months or so just felt like such a huge mountain to climb and I wasn't confident I could do it staying in one piece with my sanity still intact.

I do feel like that now but I am not quite so unpredictable, I am not being purposely horrible to my husband and I'm not spending hours on end in bed crying...so it's an improvement! 

I have however felt vulnerable, I have wanted to batten down the hatches and overdose on my little family and my husband, I have felt really protective over our Christmas and not wanted any outside influences to ruin it. I have felt selfish.

***

Over Christmas I have thought so much about everyone who has had someone deployed because I have been there too and its rotten, I hope you are all OK and glad it is now over....give yourself a high five because I actually don't think there is anything harder than a Christmas deployment. You did it! you can now concentrate on some routine and normality returning so your countdown can begin again. 

As I found it hard to know what to send in a parcel when my husband has been away for Christmas I also found it really hard to think of what to buy my husband this year as he is actually going to be away for most of 2018 (deployment, home for a little bit then another couple of months away) the internet is a wonderful thing and I found a few things that I thought I'd share as you may want to send out to your loved ones if they are away or give them before they go.

Firstly a personalised printed pillowcase, a really simple idea which can be used wherever they are in the world. Lightweight and easy to pack/post. I got mine from Ultimate Line as found they were the cheapest (£4.99) and am really pleased with the quality. Website HERE and also available on eBay.

I also got a personalised wallet card from Martha Brook London, just a few special words for him to take away. Was £10 and ordered via the website HERE

Something else which I thought was a good find was the Battle Bags of coffee from the Contact Coffee Co a company run by ex military, I got a couple of the packs of 10 bags and again lightweight so easy to pack and/or post Just £4 for a pack of ten which you can order via their website HERE

 

I don't want January to come and to be quite honest I'm entering 2018 with real trepidation; I know deployment is hard it will be our seventh long tour, I'm scared because I know where he is going and how I have felt when he has been there previously and I know that invariably things go wrong when you are flying solo and I keep thinking of all the worst case scenarios of what might go wrong which is hard work on my emotional well-being.

I want to be brave and strong but I know I need to take my own advice and be kind to myself.

For all of us 2018 will bring challenges and I will be right here documenting our deployment as a modern military family in the hope of spreading some strength, I might need the odd hug too from you guys! 

Lots of love as we enter 2018 together, Louise xxx

My husband got me a new bracelet with his initial on so he is with me all the time he is away, so special.

We got there......finally!

"You must be so excited to have your husband home, is it just fantastic?"

This sentence has been said to me a lot over the last 2 and a half weeks and I feel such pressure to say the right thing, when someone is in front of you asking that question there is an answer they expect...."Yes it is just fabulous and we've been walking on air since the second he walked through the door" but that really isn't the truth.

I think many people from outside the military community have a romantic view about how this person in uniform comes in and out your life and it is rose tinted, great for photo opportunities and something like out of the movies. 

The reality is though it isn't like those quotes you see shared over the internet.

 

Your partner packing a bag and leaving your life for a few months and not having any input in the daily upbringing of children or life in general isn't easy then having to have the ability to manage your marriage on one 15 minute phone call a week which is testing for the strongest of couples to the teaching yourself to fix anything and everything via google searching!

That void is then filled by your partner returning and expecting everything to be exactly as it was as if a pause button was pressed when they left the front door months ago. It isn't.

You will have bought things, changed the living room around, your child will have done lots, changed and grown. You will have been to weddings and christenings on your own and you may well have been through situations that have tested your resilience while you were flying solo. You definitely didn't experience a pause button over that separation period!

This post is about time, it has taken me and my family a full 18 days for us to 'be back to normal' it has been a tough couple of weeks, we've not been walking on air and it hasn't been rose tinted. That time has been needed for all of us to find our feet again, catch up on what was missed and to get things out of our systems that we bottled up over that deployment. I know I talk about your light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes maybe we focus on that return date too much because the truth is sometimes the light at the end is actually a couple of weeks after they come home.

We persevered, we talked and ultimately the years of military life we've lived and the love that we have meant that we stuck with it and knew we'd get there eventually and once again we have. We found our normal but it wasn't instant and it did this time take longer that maybe some other times.

As always be kind to yourself, no homecoming will be the same but ALL will take time and as I say for us that was nearly three weeks! So if you are battling that initial period at the moment and you feel alone because it isn't how you imagined yet, breathe deep and believe that your normal will come, just give it yourselves time.

Louise xxx

Iraq and Afghanistan....you've changed me

Over the last few months I have blogged each week about the feelings and emotions of separation, I mentioned in a few posts about how I feel I have been shaped by various deployments and promised to write a post about it.

My husband is now home for a little while and I feel strong enough to put into words how the last 17 years have made me who I am, I've never openly spoken about this and only my very nearest and dearest know the extent but emotional well-being is something that interests me and I am really keen to hear your thoughts.

Do you think your emotional well-being is/has been affected due to deployments/separations?

Let's go back...waaaaay back to 2002 I know, I know, some of you reading this were probably still at school then but I forget how long I've been living this life! 2002 I was 20 and training to deploy to Iraq with my regiment then I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go so remained on rear party and waved off my husband. Nothing could really have prepared me for that Iraq war, it was a million times worse then I could have imagined with absolutely no contact at all. I was lucky in that I was serving so felt slightly comforted that people would tell me anything I needed to know but still I was young, pregnant, not long married, in a foreign country, all my friends had deployed and my family were all in the UK. It was really tough.

Iraq happened it was a 3 month deployment that initial war, my husband returned, I had our daughter and then....WHAT?! he went BACK to bloody Iraq this time for 6 months. I went back to work after 14 weeks maternity leave and seemed to badly bimble through that second Iraq but ultimately it lead me to leaving the Army as I just had no support and looking back this is probably where it started to affect me. 

When I reflect I can't quite believe everything I went through living in Germany on my own with  a new baby....my neighbours were dodgy so I had the military police camped out in my flat looking through the spy hole for 3 days, another neighbour called my health visitor to say 'my baby wouldn't stop crying' thanks for that as if I wasn't aware! I also got posted to a new regiment that continually reminded me 'you are a soldier first and a mum second' right, thanks for the support!

Myself and our daughter survived and my husband returned for what seemed a short while because then he was deployed on a UN tour of Cyprus. The wheels slightly fell off at this point and I ended up flying out to Cyprus with our daughter who was now about 18 months old.

In the space of 2 years or so I had got married, had a baby, been posted, survived about 16 months of deployment and I was still only 23, I just collapsed in a heap.

  

I needed to recharge, I was totally burnt out. We got a posting back to the UK and I remember really feeling a sense of relief, a really turbulent three years had taken its toll. I talk a lot about our emotional fuel tanks and blogged about it, READ HERE, at this point in my life my tank was totally empty.

We had a few years to catch our breath and my husband didn't go away, let's fast forward a bit to Afghanistan. Now we must be in 2007 and my husband had changed regiment to a UK based and then deployed to Afghanistan, the day he deployed was also the day my mum told me she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. It was all a bit of a blur this tour but was the first our daughter really understood he was away and the contact was really sporadic. He returned and my mum recovered.

The next tour of Afghanistan in 2010/11 was really where I suffered the worst. I really believe long deployments, especially those which come with danger can really scar you. Iraq and Afghanistan were so scary, you just didn't know if that knock at the door would come, you played every scenario through your mind, you feared the worst and hoped for the best. Those emotions are exhausting.

I had a pretty stressful job, our daughter was 7 years old, we didn't live in quarters at this point and now I can be reflective I was not coping one bit. It started before my husband even deployed, just the thought of going back to that worry was sending me over the edge...I knew what was to come, I knew how hard it was going to be and I was frightened for myself and my emotions. Then he deployed. I was anxious and wasn't sleeping, I actually remember one night having my dad on speaker on my pillow all night because I was going stir crazy with worry. I tried to self help and bought myself some books, searched the internet, read some blogs, I joined Twitter which opened up a community of others going through similar and actually made some friends through that which I will be eternally grateful for.

I was working full time, I was crippled with worry and uncertainty, I was desperately trying to help my daughter who was not coping at all with the deployment, I was trying to avoid the news and papers, I was trying to keep everything as normal as possible and failing....

It was without doubt the darkest time in my life

I developed what I now know to be stress induced OCD, it crippled me at night time. (I have never openly discussed this so please be gentle with me but I hope it open discussions) I had so much going round in my head I just couldn't process it, along with the consuming responsibility for a child who was coping really badly with the deployment the output was this behaviour I couldn't control. I would have to unplug EVERYTHING, I was obsessed with checking the front door was locked about 100 times, I always needed to check the cooker hob buttons were off.....I'd then go up to bed, wasn't satisfied so had to go back down and check everything again....then I'd get back into bed....and so the cycle continued. Sometimes this would happen for maybe an hour or more up and down those stairs, checking and re-checking until I passed out having to get up sometimes just five hours later for work. Over the seven months this got worse and worse, I was utterly, totally emotionally and mentally exhausted...the front door didn't even survive the ordeal I had to have the door replaced twice because I had pushed the handles so hard to check it was locked I ended up breaking the mechanism. I was very very private about what was happening only confiding in family and my best friend because I was embarrassed and confused and I am very thankful there was no judgement from them, just worry, they wanted to take it all away but they couldn't.

That tour is why Little Troopers exists.

I got through that tour in one piece as did my daughter, not entirely sure how but those seven months along with all the other deployments previously shaped me, it is why I am who I am today. The OCD subsided and these days if my husband goes away I can feel if it is returning but it is never to the extent it was back then, I know what triggers it, I know it is temporary and I know to give my mind a break. We have a long Afghanistan tour coming up in the new year and I can't lie and say I'm not apprehensive because I am, I want to cope, but only time will tell.

Emotional well-being is so important and it is also important to know yourself and learn about yourself. Our bodies are really complex and stress can have many different outputs, this is just my story and my experiences with hopefully the aim of sharing being that if you are reading this and  going through a deployment and you feel like you aren't yourself then just know you aren't alone and it is often temporary. Your light at the end of the tunnel will come, I promise.

Below is my favourite quote and something I live by, it is so very true. I hope this post has brought some comfort and strength. 

Lots of love, Louise xxxx

Wishing my life away one week at a time

Life is so precious we are all very aware of that and yet here I am wishing mine away day by day, week by week. I have been very guilty of doing that many times in the past too when we have been separated, wishing the weekends to go quickly, hoping the week speeds past in a flash to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.

The last week has been better than the last few that is for sure, although I am at the stage where I have to squeeze my eyes tightly shut to try and remind myself what my husband looks like. I believe that after a period of time our minds adjust, as humans we resist change and a period of separation is a change that we need to mold to, that takes time but eventually we get there we find our groove and it seems to get a bit easier, providing there are no unexpected hurdles in the road!

That is not to say it's plain sailing, I just mean I haven't cried every day this week!

I feel like a bit of a bruised fruit, so many deployments and separations over the last 17 years some of which have been so hard especially the Iraq war and early Afghanistan I feel like they have shaped me, those emotions have scarred me (I do promise to blog about this in the future). On a daily basis I'm fine as they are buried but that fear, those feelings come flooding back whenever I am faced with another separation period and for me that is why it gets harder not easier and seems to take me longer these days to find that place of acceptance at the beginning of a deployment.

Communication can be interesting while you are separated and definitely sporadic, everyone's experiences are different and I beg you if you are in a regiment/close military community DO NOT enter into the "have you heard anything this week" conversation, it is the worst, the most horrid feeling to hear of others getting calls and you haven't heard a peep, even though they are all in the same place and in your mind doing the same thing. 'He doesn't love me enough to call' 'He's not missing me' all these feelings are normal (or is it just me that thinks these?!) so just avoid those discussions, don't ask and don't tell...... its kinder for everyone and there are so many other things to start a conversation about instead.

 

When you have children, especially older children, you have to share your limited call time with your loved one and that is something this week I was reminded of and honestly, I was in the wrong and I feel so awful about that.

My 14 year old has a need to speak to her dad and I hadn't appreciated that...I of all people should have recognised it. My husband rang and it had been ages since I'd heard his voice and I was so pleased and happy that I got selfish with time, when I put my daughter on the phone he only had literally 4 minutes then had to go.

My daughter was devastated and it was all my fault

"You got 15 minutes and I got 5" I felt so terrible and writing this post I have tears in my eyes, she's missing her dad, she hadn't spoken to him properly in three weeks and I should have been more mindful and shared the call time equally with her which if you have more than one child must be even harder. I know I am the adult, I love my daughter beyond words and I don't want you to judge me for being selfish it wasn't a conscious decision but we get stuck in this bubble at that very moment in time when we take a call don't we, doesn't matter where we are or who we are with because right there and then everything stops to take that call.

Sharing is hard when you sometimes miss them so much you hurt inside

I learnt a big lesson this week and I am promising myself a few things...not to wish my life away or at least to try not to do it too much and to be mindful of not being selfish with phone time for the sake of my Little Trooper.

We aren't perfect and no matter how long you have or haven't been part of the military community every separation will be a different experience depending on how long, where you live, how old your children are at that time, if you are working, how strong you are feeling in that chapter of your life....there are so many variables.

Be kind to yourself, learn lessons about how you work and know that your light at the end of tunnel will come...eventually.

Lots of love,

Louise xxxx