Iraq and Afghanistan....you've changed me

Over the last few months I have blogged each week about the feelings and emotions of separation, I mentioned in a few posts about how I feel I have been shaped by various deployments and promised to write a post about it.

My husband is now home for a little while and I feel strong enough to put into words how the last 17 years have made me who I am, I've never openly spoken about this and only my very nearest and dearest know the extent but emotional well-being is something that interests me and I am really keen to hear your thoughts.

Do you think your emotional well-being is/has been affected due to deployments/separations?

Let's go back...waaaaay back to 2002 I know, I know, some of you reading this were probably still at school then but I forget how long I've been living this life! 2002 I was 20 and training to deploy to Iraq with my regiment then I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go so remained on rear party and waved off my husband. Nothing could really have prepared me for that Iraq war, it was a million times worse then I could have imagined with absolutely no contact at all. I was lucky in that I was serving so felt slightly comforted that people would tell me anything I needed to know but still I was young, pregnant, not long married, in a foreign country, all my friends had deployed and my family were all in the UK. It was really tough.

Iraq happened it was a 3 month deployment that initial war, my husband returned, I had our daughter and then....WHAT?! he went BACK to bloody Iraq this time for 6 months. I went back to work after 14 weeks maternity leave and seemed to badly bimble through that second Iraq but ultimately it lead me to leaving the Army as I just had no support and looking back this is probably where it started to affect me. 

When I reflect I can't quite believe everything I went through living in Germany on my own with  a new baby....my neighbours were dodgy so I had the military police camped out in my flat looking through the spy hole for 3 days, another neighbour called my health visitor to say 'my baby wouldn't stop crying' thanks for that as if I wasn't aware! I also got posted to a new regiment that continually reminded me 'you are a soldier first and a mum second' right, thanks for the support!

Myself and our daughter survived and my husband returned for what seemed a short while because then he was deployed on a UN tour of Cyprus. The wheels slightly fell off at this point and I ended up flying out to Cyprus with our daughter who was now about 18 months old.

In the space of 2 years or so I had got married, had a baby, been posted, survived about 16 months of deployment and I was still only 23, I just collapsed in a heap.

  

I needed to recharge, I was totally burnt out. We got a posting back to the UK and I remember really feeling a sense of relief, a really turbulent three years had taken its toll. I talk a lot about our emotional fuel tanks and blogged about it, READ HERE, at this point in my life my tank was totally empty.

We had a few years to catch our breath and my husband didn't go away, let's fast forward a bit to Afghanistan. Now we must be in 2007 and my husband had changed regiment to a UK based and then deployed to Afghanistan, the day he deployed was also the day my mum told me she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. It was all a bit of a blur this tour but was the first our daughter really understood he was away and the contact was really sporadic. He returned and my mum recovered.

The next tour of Afghanistan in 2010/11 was really where I suffered the worst. I really believe long deployments, especially those which come with danger can really scar you. Iraq and Afghanistan were so scary, you just didn't know if that knock at the door would come, you played every scenario through your mind, you feared the worst and hoped for the best. Those emotions are exhausting.

I had a pretty stressful job, our daughter was 7 years old, we didn't live in quarters at this point and now I can be reflective I was not coping one bit. It started before my husband even deployed, just the thought of going back to that worry was sending me over the edge...I knew what was to come, I knew how hard it was going to be and I was frightened for myself and my emotions. Then he deployed. I was anxious and wasn't sleeping, I actually remember one night having my dad on speaker on my pillow all night because I was going stir crazy with worry. I tried to self help and bought myself some books, searched the internet, read some blogs, I joined Twitter which opened up a community of others going through similar and actually made some friends through that which I will be eternally grateful for.

I was working full time, I was crippled with worry and uncertainty, I was desperately trying to help my daughter who was not coping at all with the deployment, I was trying to avoid the news and papers, I was trying to keep everything as normal as possible and failing....

It was without doubt the darkest time in my life

I developed what I now know to be stress induced OCD, it crippled me at night time. (I have never openly discussed this so please be gentle with me but I hope it open discussions) I had so much going round in my head I just couldn't process it, along with the consuming responsibility for a child who was coping really badly with the deployment the output was this behaviour I couldn't control. I would have to unplug EVERYTHING, I was obsessed with checking the front door was locked about 100 times, I always needed to check the cooker hob buttons were off.....I'd then go up to bed, wasn't satisfied so had to go back down and check everything again....then I'd get back into bed....and so the cycle continued. Sometimes this would happen for maybe an hour or more up and down those stairs, checking and re-checking until I passed out having to get up sometimes just five hours later for work. Over the seven months this got worse and worse, I was utterly, totally emotionally and mentally exhausted...the front door didn't even survive the ordeal I had to have the door replaced twice because I had pushed the handles so hard to check it was locked I ended up breaking the mechanism. I was very very private about what was happening only confiding in family and my best friend because I was embarrassed and confused and I am very thankful there was no judgement from them, just worry, they wanted to take it all away but they couldn't.

That tour is why Little Troopers exists.

I got through that tour in one piece as did my daughter, not entirely sure how but those seven months along with all the other deployments previously shaped me, it is why I am who I am today. The OCD subsided and these days if my husband goes away I can feel if it is returning but it is never to the extent it was back then, I know what triggers it, I know it is temporary and I know to give my mind a break. We have a long Afghanistan tour coming up in the new year and I can't lie and say I'm not apprehensive because I am, I want to cope, but only time will tell.

Emotional well-being is so important and it is also important to know yourself and learn about yourself. Our bodies are really complex and stress can have many different outputs, this is just my story and my experiences with hopefully the aim of sharing being that if you are reading this and  going through a deployment and you feel like you aren't yourself then just know you aren't alone and it is often temporary. Your light at the end of the tunnel will come, I promise.

Below is my favourite quote and something I live by, it is so very true. I hope this post has brought some comfort and strength. 

Lots of love, Louise xxxx

Its never rains but it pours....

I promised to blog an honest account throughout this separation period we are experiencing and I want it to be the good days and the bad days, by doing this I am hoping it will really show anyone from the military community that stumbles across this blog that everything you are feeling is normal and we are all going through exactly the same emotions.

Sharing will hopefully bring strength and comfort.

I WAS DOING SO WELL!!!!! I really was and three weeks in I gave myself a pat on the back, no tears thus far and day by day I was getting through them....we were all present and correct at school and work and we were all fed! Total result in my eyes.

Experience has taught me that when solo parenting over a long period it is all OK if everything is going to plan, everyone is well, no surprises and even the odd singular hurdle here and there I seem to be able to navigate alright.....it all goes horribly wrong when the wheels completely come off and a multitude of things all happen at the same time and I feel totally overwhelmed, totally alone and totally beaten.

That is exactly what happened these last few days....the wheels dramatically came off....although I am fully aware things are magnified at the moment and I am feeling hypersensitive because communications are so sporadic and almost non existent.

It's all real life stuff nothing major on reflection.....I have really bad ulcers at the moment which are making me dribble (attractive) and literally wince with pain, I spilt gel nail remover on my laptop which has made all the keys lift and some even come off (after some panic TLC the laptop started working again), the cat was dramatically sick everywhere which I just can't handle and my daughter has been off school poorly on top of work being really busy and all the normal stuff.

I just sat on my bed and sobbed. 

I have a great small network of best friends mostly from school days and I text a few of them and gained some strength, they made me laugh and I reminded myself it is OK to cry, it is OK to be sad, it is OK to be overwhelmed when a few things go wrong. Tomorrow is another day.

• Try to have a few very close family or friends who you feel comfortable calling mid wobble 
• Be kind to yourself, don't strive for perfection because we can really only do so much
• Try where at all possible to have a bad day and not let it spiral into a bad week
• Do not take your nail varnish off next to your laptop!!!!

RIP keyboard keys

If there is anyone who is completely unaffected while their serving partner is away for a period of time then I totally take my hat off to them, sometimes it hits us when we are least expecting it and it is definitely normal whatever your circumstance to have a wobble here and there, we are all human.

I am coming out the other side, seeing some favourite faces over the next few days which always fills my emotional fuel tank to the brim and bonjela is my new best friend!

If you are having a wobble this week, read this and know you are not alone I am right there with you.

A couple of blogs coming up that will be more about information spreading, good sites and products I have found along the way to help military families....if you have any to add that have helped you let me know and I will include.

Lots of love, Louise xxx

We once again conquered Mount Snowdon!!!!!

The charity started 5 years ago with a climb of Mount Snowdon, its become our flagship fundraising event and loved by many and the 2016 Snowdon challenge was being looked forward to by so many.

50+ registered attendees, 13 of them children and a pretty decent weather forecast....



Never trust the weather though! 2nd April 2016 came and the weather was horrific, it had rained since our arrival in Snowdonia and the forecast looked bleak but we were all there to achieve the same goal and raise funds for Little Troopers.

The trek was such a challenge for all involved with 19 of the group reaching the summit, the conditions were treacherous, it was windy, cold and we battled rain, hail and snow. It was a physical and mental test for everyone involved with lots of tears....even from me at one point, I hit a wall and was certain I couldn't carry on but I did and that summit smile is real!

 

Over £2,660 has been raised with the total increasing daily, the love that surrounds our cause is phenomenal and it makes me so emotional to come together as a group with many strangers and share such a special achievement, a bond forms that lasts an eternal memory and makes every cold, hard step up that mountain worth it.

A huge thank you to all who were involved in making it happen, to all who donated, all who climbed that mountain and all who encouraged us on the day....Little Troopers is a special community and I am so proud to be a part of it.

You can still donate to the challenge HERE

Guest Blog - Huggable Heroes

Happy New Year! Lets start 2016 with a blogpost....

Our last guest blogpost from an unacompanied military family was so popular (read again HERE) I asked Jo a wife of a Royal Marine to write a post about her business Huggable Heroes.
Jo attended our Summer Camp in 2015 and her Huggable Heroes are a great resource for military children, hope you like reading the post with a cuppa.

Louise xxxx

My name is Jo, I am a Military Wife, living in a married quarter with my husband and two beautiful Children 6 hours from home…..

Have you heard of Huggable Heroes? I am known as the ‘Huggable Heroes Lady’, which I secretly Love.

Huggable Heroes are helping military children with a loved one working away cope with Separation Anxiety, a design of making a photo of the loved one into a cuddly toy to help them express their feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness, happiness and love.

By simply having their hero to cuddle at bedtime or to take to their first day at school, Mummy or Daddy will not ‘miss’ a thing.

Our very own Huggable Heroes have helped me to understand when the children are upset either missing or mad with Daddy, helping me to know how to respond to them in the best way.  Daddy was with us at both children’s first days at Pre School and is a regular at Swimming Lessons and Ballet…

Charlotte (4 years) is fascinating to watch with her Hero. She gives Daddy the most amazing cuddles and reads to him. When she is mad that he is working away she tells Daddy off. He has been known to sit on the naughty step and has even been thrown across the room on more than one occasion! (I would like to add, I do not throw anyone or anything across the room when I am angry!)

Henry (My 2 year old) enjoys rough and tumble with Daddy, he knows he is only allowed to do this with Daddy and yes I have found him doing ‘Big Daddy Splashes’ on his Hero!

Another huge difference I have found since having Huggable Heroes in our lives is the time it takes for the children to reconnect with Daddy when he gets home. In the past they would shy away from Daddy, clinging to me for hours on end (which as you know is heartbreaking for all involved). Charlotte and Henry now take Daddy his hero to show him, reducing the reunite time dramatically and I put this down to Daddy still being such a huge part of a daily routine even when he is away.

Huggable Heroes have 100% reinforced the bond between them.

If you would like to see some customer reviews on Huggable Heroes, please check out the ‘Posts to Page’ on Facebook, we have received 100% positive feedback that Huggable Heroes have helped to Reduce Separation Anxiety in our brave children. (www.Facebook.com/HuggableHeroes)

I launched Huggable Heroes in January 2015 after spending 8 months making them for family and friends and realising just how much they help other families.

Since Launching in January last year Huggable Heroes have helped more than 500 Children! We hope that in 2016 we can reach out to more military families struggling with Separation Anxiety.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my guest Blog, I look forward to meeting some of you in the coming months.

Stay Strong

Lots of Love

Jo (AKA Huggable Heroes Lady)

PS If you would like to buy a Huggable Hero, please follow this link to the shop on Little Troopers website. I will donate 10% to Little Troopers for each Hero they sell.

PPS I would be honored if you would help me reach more families by sharing us on Facebook or requesting some flyers or posters for your local coffee mornings.

www.Facebook.com/HuggableHeroes

Today is the day!!!

2011 seems so long ago now....so much has happened in that space of time.

This is a picture of where it all began, me and my much smaller Little Trooper at the summit of Snowdon, my friends and family all rallied round to support the trek I wanted to do to distract my Little Trooper from the pain she was feeling from be constantly, repeatedly separated from her soldier daddy. You can read more about the 2011 trek here

Post the trek My Daddy is a Soldier Adventures was born and over the last 4 years its been a rocky but rewarding road to see the charity grow into such a worthwhile community for forces families.

I always like to dream big and there is so much I want to achieve for military families but expanding the charity to include RAF and Royal Navy families was always top of my list.
It has taken a long time to reach where we are today, lots of lessons been learnt, lots of people who have supported the growth and help make it happen but waking up this morning I had the biggest smile on my face...

WE ARE NOW THE FIRST TRI-SERVICE CHILDRENS CHARITY FOR SERVING UK ARMED FORCES PERSONNEL!!!!!!!!!!

Little Troopers is our new charity name and we look forward to welcoming lots of new Royal Navy and Royal Air Force families to the community as well as the British Army families we already support. Regardless of service, children experience repeated separation and we want to be there to support all the Little Troopers of our British Armed Forces.

Visit our new website: www.littletroopers.net



This has been an amazing journey so far and I am so pleased we have reached this milestone, there are so many people supporting this cause and making this happen....I couldn't do this on my own.

I can't wait to meet lots of you in the coming months, we are holding launch events for RAF and Royal Navy families in early 2016, we have our Snowdon weekend event in April and of course Summer Camp in June!

Thank you from me for the continued support, here's to the next chapter!

Louise xxxxx

Why do you do it?

As a family we are on the move again this summer...it feels like we have only just unpacked our boxes but 2 years flys by it seems in a flash so I am digging out the parcel tape once again.

We are in the window where you have requested a house on an online system your husband/wife isn't quite sure how to work, you are eagerly waiting to be allocated a house where your furniture won't fit, you will need a whole new set of blinds and your life will just look very different in just 10 weeks.

I was on the phone to a journalist this week doing an interview and she asked me a question which I haven't contemplated before and it really made me think "Why do you do it"

Blimey...erm.....umm.... Why do I do it?

I live this life because...I chose to be a soldier when I left school and it lead me to my husband, I now choose to support my husband and his job choice because it makes him who he is, if I made him leave before he was ready I'm not sure he'd still be the same person?

Why do I run the charity? I dedicate all my spare time outside my job to the charity because I so believe in all the Little Troopers, I so believe the little things count....I can not single handily make every service child happy and I can't take away the unique challenges they face but I know this charity can make a difference , even if just a small one, its a worthwhile difference.

We will all have different reasons for 'doing this' but we are all in this together and stronger people because of this life, it is only speaking to people with no experience of the military it highlights how alien it is to many.

Have a watch of this video...it reiterates why 'I'm doing this' for my soldier and for all the Little Troopers.

Here's to another successful summer for all of us who are onto new chapters and for My Daddy is a Soldier Adventures with some VERY exciting times ahead!

Louise xxx