Living in the land of Limbo

Hi, my name is Louise and I am currently living in Limbo, but

 I don't like it and I'm not very good at it.

We had a tour start date of 10th Jan, got my head around this then it changed to later in the month. Right now we are in state limbo....the dictionary definition of this is: 'an uncertain situation that you cannot control and in which there is no progress or improvement' yup that is right where we are.

My husband is on leave before some pre-training, we still have some time to go so not completely in 'he's off tomorrow mode' I have made some lists and tried to be a little organised but right now there is not much I can do other than.....SIT......AND.........WAIT for D Day, not that I want deployment day to come but we are all waiting for it like the bloody number 4 bus.

We are totally skint because he's off work at the moment and everyday its like "Shall we get a takeaway, I mean you are going away soon" "Shall we go out for lunch, we should spent time together because you go away soon" my waistline is increasing and my bank balance isn't shrinking, its shrunk. 

I am craving routine and normality and my body is telling me I am stressed....I have a raging stye in one eye, mouth ulcers and just feel a bit on edge. It absolutely isn't that I want him to go away of course I don't but we are all here just sat waiting for the inevitable and boy I know whats waiting for me.....those first two weeks of hell! I just feel like I'd like to just dig in and get that crappy first emotional little bit done and grab the deployment with both hands and for routine to prevail so I can get into my groove, you know?

I want to start ticking days off

As we had a bit more time before he goes we have a few more memory making bits booked in the diary...more deployment money we are spending before we even have started but still it IS important to make those memories prior to a deployment it just feels like its been for about three weeks we've been in this mode!

I am trying to relish this period for the little time we have left but it is exhausting, everything I say I feel like oh but he's off soon, should I have said that? I don't want to bicker, I want it to be perfect so my memory vision is perfect. Every time he holds my hand and it's all warm I want to blink and add it to my minds memory box, every time I have a cuddle and hear his heartbeat I want to really etch it on my brain and every time we do something I want to take photos.

Perfect doesn't exist, we all know that so a day at a time skidding through this weird limbo period. If you too have a deployment on the horizon, lets limbo together because I'm finding it pretty tricky and would welcome you on the ride with me! 

Lots of love, Louise xxx

I promise I won't give up

I have tried so many times to write posts over the last few weeks but just couldn't find the words, it really has been a strange time for a few reasons but today I decided I wanted to write a thank you to YOU, yes you for reminding ME I can't give up.

As you know if you've followed recent posts my husband was recently deployed for a few months, while he was away we found out he was deploying in early 2018 for seven months. This wasn't a tour that was on the radar or we were expecting so it took me a while to process it and get my head around it whilst frantically deciding we needed to book EVERY SINGLE FESTIVE ACTIVITY on the planet all at once so we had the most amazing Christmas we have ever had and we would waft through the seven months apart blissfully on the memories.

You and I both know there is a blog post coming very soon where the reality is oh so very different!

I am even rolling my own eyes at the way I am striving for a perfect Christmas prior to a long deployment because the pressure will be too much, emotions will be running high and I will be dreading the inevitable so will have the strange detachment behaviour I seem to have perfected, but hey I'm human and deployment does odd things to me!

I am living and breathing this military life just like you are, I was in the military and I'm married to the military with our own Little Trooper, moving lots as we live in military housing. Little Troopers was founded because my daughter needed support and no one would help me, her, us.... it was founded because lots of other military families said they also needed specific support, there was a very clear void in the support offered to children who have one or two parents serving in the British Armed Forces.

I absolutely did not wake up one day and want to start a charity, I had left the military and started a very full on and very full time corporate job but my daughter was suffering right before my eyes and no matter how many emails I wrote NO ONE would help and empower me to guide her through the challenges she was facing. I had to do something, anything to ease her suffering.

I read every single one of your emails and messages, I cry tears at most of them, I KNOW how much military children need this charity, and I promise you I won't turn my back on them.

We applied recently for some vital funding because as a charity we have always struggled to be granted funds and right now we are dangerously low. We don't have overheads, we don't have staff, we don't have a big bank balance but we are the sole charity for all children with a parent serving in the military and we aim to do as much as we can with the little we have to support as many of the 130,000 military children as we can. We were unsuccessful in the funding which was a real blow for lots of reasons but the main reason was to look down the long list of successful bids and see MILITARY CHILDREN AS A WHOLE ENTITY WERE A NON REPRESENTED GROUP, I don't understand it, not one successful project to roll out a consistent approach for support to military children at all and the theme of the funding was families. It isn't about me or Little Troopers, I don't really mind who provides the support but military children deserve recognition and specific tailored support for their various unique challenges.

I couldn't manage a blog post at the time as I was angry and disappointed but I did post on the Facebook page and your comments, messages and emails made me realise WE can still recognise our children, you and I can make sure they get the support needed. It is evident that the Little Troopers community is a strong one, filled with love and compassion and together we will and can be powerful.

I am promising you I won't give up, I will continue to give all my time and love and energy into making sure each day we survive to exist so our children living in this military life don't grow up disadvantaged, they grow up strong, proud and we helped them navigate through this British Armed Forces world we live in.

So thank you for your comments, messages and emails you made me realise we don't need 'their' approval or money because I have you and together we can ensure Little Troopers remain.

Lots of love, Louise xxx

Me and my Little Trooper

Monday comes round so quick and I am at the point where I can't remember how long my husband has been away, the weeks have merged and I am no longer just getting by each week, it is just situation normal for me.

That isn't the case for my daughter

She has really struggled these last couple of months and this last week I have been thinking about the effect being part of a military family has on my daughter, she is a teenager now and as I have always said be it babies, toddlers, young children or teenagers we have, they all experience some challenges with this military life they just look a bit different through the ages.

I am not from a military family at all, I did move about a bit but from 7 - 17years I was in one place, in one school, with the same people around me and those people are still in my life now. I really worry my daughter won't have that. She has moved so much and been to so many different schools her friends are always in the here and now, we have another move coming so she will have to move again for her A levels. This part of her life she actually seems to not be so bothered about, we talk about the people she's met along the way and I believe it has been a positive in some ways because she isn't a shy child and knows now how we sometimes need a deep breath and some rescue remedy to get us into that room full of strangers and to make friends, this will help her now and as an adult.

Separation has had an affect this time, more so than usual, I look into her eyes and I can see sadness and I feel useless because I wasn't a military child, I don't know exactly what that feels like as a child and I wish I did.

Me and my daughter are so close and I do credit this to being a military family, over her 14 years of life I would estimate that cumulatively six of those years my husband hasn't been at home...that is a LONG chunk where it has just been me and her and your relationship becomes intense, this has positives and negatives. This is the first separation where I haven't let her stay in my bed and if I am honest that has been hard for me as I had become reliant on that but she's 14 now and it was right that I broke the habit and she's just slept in my bed one night when she was poorly. A few people used to say to me 'she shouldn't sleep in your bed' they may or may not have been right but in that moment that was a coping mechanism we both used to get through deployment and separation.

The questions have come thick and fast this time which we haven't had for a few years, some are hard to answer.

"Why can't Dad text me all the time"

"Dad always wants to speak to you for longer than me"

"Why does Dad have to be in the Army"

"Can't he just say I don't want to go"

"I wish Dad wasn't a soldier"

 

What I do know is I support my husband in his choices and I relay that to her, I still to this day regret getting out the Army and I'd never want him to have the same regrets I do, I often get jealous when he goes off as I wish it was me sometimes.....but that's another post! 

Ultimately I just wish I could understand better what she feels and thinks growing up as a military child and my question to you reading this is; if you were a military child yourself does that help you parent your own children in a military family?

 

I do worry and it plays on my mind, is she being damaged? will she grow up like any other child? will she look back and feel it had a negative impact? Just yesterday she went into town with her friends and came back with a huge bunch of lilies she had bought me with her pocket money "why have you bought me those babe that is so thoughtful" and her response was because she'd heard me cry on Saturday night after I put the phone down from her Dad. 

My heart broke.

I try so hard to be strong for her and to not be overly emotional about him being away but an example right there that our children are tuned in to us and how we feel. She made my day with those flowers and I felt so full of love.

For us and our family I know she will go on to be a well rounded, good humoured and hopefully adaptable adult and she has always had the love and support to get through the challenges and hurdles she has faced as a military child and I know there are more to come! 

I founded Little Troopers because I needed help so I could support my child, I couldn't find anything out there and hopefully even if just a little bit the resources and community that has formed is helping and empowering us all to get over those hurdles, together.

There is no right or wrong, remember that. We all just do what we can to get through the days giving the love and support we can to our Little Troopers to guide them through this military life.

Louise xxx

Wishing my life away one week at a time

Life is so precious we are all very aware of that and yet here I am wishing mine away day by day, week by week. I have been very guilty of doing that many times in the past too when we have been separated, wishing the weekends to go quickly, hoping the week speeds past in a flash to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.

The last week has been better than the last few that is for sure, although I am at the stage where I have to squeeze my eyes tightly shut to try and remind myself what my husband looks like. I believe that after a period of time our minds adjust, as humans we resist change and a period of separation is a change that we need to mold to, that takes time but eventually we get there we find our groove and it seems to get a bit easier, providing there are no unexpected hurdles in the road!

That is not to say it's plain sailing, I just mean I haven't cried every day this week!

I feel like a bit of a bruised fruit, so many deployments and separations over the last 17 years some of which have been so hard especially the Iraq war and early Afghanistan I feel like they have shaped me, those emotions have scarred me (I do promise to blog about this in the future). On a daily basis I'm fine as they are buried but that fear, those feelings come flooding back whenever I am faced with another separation period and for me that is why it gets harder not easier and seems to take me longer these days to find that place of acceptance at the beginning of a deployment.

Communication can be interesting while you are separated and definitely sporadic, everyone's experiences are different and I beg you if you are in a regiment/close military community DO NOT enter into the "have you heard anything this week" conversation, it is the worst, the most horrid feeling to hear of others getting calls and you haven't heard a peep, even though they are all in the same place and in your mind doing the same thing. 'He doesn't love me enough to call' 'He's not missing me' all these feelings are normal (or is it just me that thinks these?!) so just avoid those discussions, don't ask and don't tell...... its kinder for everyone and there are so many other things to start a conversation about instead.

 

When you have children, especially older children, you have to share your limited call time with your loved one and that is something this week I was reminded of and honestly, I was in the wrong and I feel so awful about that.

My 14 year old has a need to speak to her dad and I hadn't appreciated that...I of all people should have recognised it. My husband rang and it had been ages since I'd heard his voice and I was so pleased and happy that I got selfish with time, when I put my daughter on the phone he only had literally 4 minutes then had to go.

My daughter was devastated and it was all my fault

"You got 15 minutes and I got 5" I felt so terrible and writing this post I have tears in my eyes, she's missing her dad, she hadn't spoken to him properly in three weeks and I should have been more mindful and shared the call time equally with her which if you have more than one child must be even harder. I know I am the adult, I love my daughter beyond words and I don't want you to judge me for being selfish it wasn't a conscious decision but we get stuck in this bubble at that very moment in time when we take a call don't we, doesn't matter where we are or who we are with because right there and then everything stops to take that call.

Sharing is hard when you sometimes miss them so much you hurt inside

I learnt a big lesson this week and I am promising myself a few things...not to wish my life away or at least to try not to do it too much and to be mindful of not being selfish with phone time for the sake of my Little Trooper.

We aren't perfect and no matter how long you have or haven't been part of the military community every separation will be a different experience depending on how long, where you live, how old your children are at that time, if you are working, how strong you are feeling in that chapter of your life....there are so many variables.

Be kind to yourself, learn lessons about how you work and know that your light at the end of tunnel will come...eventually.

Lots of love,

Louise xxxx

 

Consumed by responsibility

Another week we can tick off, it does seem to gain some momentum after a month or so and then they do pass by, whatever day he goes away always sticks in my mind and it's so bizarre that each week on that day I mentally tick it off with a smile and a pat on the back.

It has been a week of two halves for me, half being of great community vibe as I ran an event locally on Sunday for lots of  ladies who also have someone serving away from home.

It filled my heart with warmth.

We didn't know each other but all ate cake and just chatted a few hours away that would have otherwise been spent in our houses alone, it always reaffirms we absolutely all feel the same. One lovely lady was telling me how she missed a call from a number on her phone and cried because she thought she'd missed her husband calling for the number to then ring back and was a survey call which made her cry again...then her husband did manage to call and she cried again! It is that roller coaster of we can't contact them so it is a waiting game and sometimes they call at the worst time or you miss it and the emotions just spill out. We have ALL been there, those tears when you miss a call are so real.

The other half of this week has been slightly plagued with me really thinking and soul searching as to why I crumble sometimes when dealing with separation, especially as I should be so bloody used to it by now!

I get consumed by the responsibility of having sole care 24/7 for our daughter.

That was a hard admission! I promised myself to honestly account this time apart via the blog and I am finding by doing this I am learning a lot about myself and how I work which hopefully if I can articulate to you it will make others find that comfort and strength I so want to spread.

When I am flying solo for a longer period of time I struggle at night, I struggle when things go wrong and I struggle when it comes to making decisions for our daughter on my own. This week she wanted to go to the cinema with her friends....short story is she is 14 wanted to get a train on a Saturday night to see a 15 film and I just wasn't OK with it for lots of reasons but the point is I didn't have my husband here to ask his opinion, I couldn't ring or text him, I had to make a decision and be comfortable with it, what if she went and something happened and then I would have to take that on my shoulders. I didn't let her go.

There is no manual for being a parent or a military family and some of this is normal everyday stuff but I haven't chosen to be a single parent, I am sometimes due to us being a military family in situations that I just don't feel equipped to deal with and at those times my heart aches a bit that I am in this on my own at times where I just don't want to be.

On top of cinema clash this week my daughter had a situation where she became poorly very suddenly at a swimming competition, it scared her and it scared me and I flapped. I didn't know what to do, my husband is way better than me in situations like that and I felt really rubbish. It was OK, I got her home gave her tons of TLC and she was and will be fine. It shook me up, I wanted to be strong in that situation and I wasn't, all I wanted was my husband by my side.

My daughter was born in a foreign country to two serving military parents, from the age of 20 when I was pregnant I have doubted my ability as a Mummy, six long tours, a million exercises and courses later and I still have times when I doubt myself, when I am alone it is magnified which in summary is why I feel I struggle when my husband is deployed.

Can I fight off the baddies in the night alone?

 

Can I spot when my daughter is a bit poorly or really needs to go to hospital to have her appendix out?

 

Can I make the decision solo that she can do something she's not done before now shes a teenager?

 

Sometimes we are all trying to be Mummy and Daddy all rolled into one to children of all different ages and that is a huge responsibility especially if you can't make contact to get the reassurance you need but as someone said to be this week "all you can do is your best as a parent and your best is always good enough"

Huge high five to all of you out there keeping little humans alive while also managing to wade through a separation period, your best is just perfect for them.

Love Louise xxx

We are all just doing our best to grow good humans

Its never rains but it pours....

I promised to blog an honest account throughout this separation period we are experiencing and I want it to be the good days and the bad days, by doing this I am hoping it will really show anyone from the military community that stumbles across this blog that everything you are feeling is normal and we are all going through exactly the same emotions.

Sharing will hopefully bring strength and comfort.

I WAS DOING SO WELL!!!!! I really was and three weeks in I gave myself a pat on the back, no tears thus far and day by day I was getting through them....we were all present and correct at school and work and we were all fed! Total result in my eyes.

Experience has taught me that when solo parenting over a long period it is all OK if everything is going to plan, everyone is well, no surprises and even the odd singular hurdle here and there I seem to be able to navigate alright.....it all goes horribly wrong when the wheels completely come off and a multitude of things all happen at the same time and I feel totally overwhelmed, totally alone and totally beaten.

That is exactly what happened these last few days....the wheels dramatically came off....although I am fully aware things are magnified at the moment and I am feeling hypersensitive because communications are so sporadic and almost non existent.

It's all real life stuff nothing major on reflection.....I have really bad ulcers at the moment which are making me dribble (attractive) and literally wince with pain, I spilt gel nail remover on my laptop which has made all the keys lift and some even come off (after some panic TLC the laptop started working again), the cat was dramatically sick everywhere which I just can't handle and my daughter has been off school poorly on top of work being really busy and all the normal stuff.

I just sat on my bed and sobbed. 

I have a great small network of best friends mostly from school days and I text a few of them and gained some strength, they made me laugh and I reminded myself it is OK to cry, it is OK to be sad, it is OK to be overwhelmed when a few things go wrong. Tomorrow is another day.

• Try to have a few very close family or friends who you feel comfortable calling mid wobble 
• Be kind to yourself, don't strive for perfection because we can really only do so much
• Try where at all possible to have a bad day and not let it spiral into a bad week
• Do not take your nail varnish off next to your laptop!!!!

RIP keyboard keys

If there is anyone who is completely unaffected while their serving partner is away for a period of time then I totally take my hat off to them, sometimes it hits us when we are least expecting it and it is definitely normal whatever your circumstance to have a wobble here and there, we are all human.

I am coming out the other side, seeing some favourite faces over the next few days which always fills my emotional fuel tank to the brim and bonjela is my new best friend!

If you are having a wobble this week, read this and know you are not alone I am right there with you.

A couple of blogs coming up that will be more about information spreading, good sites and products I have found along the way to help military families....if you have any to add that have helped you let me know and I will include.

Lots of love, Louise xxx