It has been a week of two halves for me, half being of great community vibe as I ran an event locally on Sunday for lots of ladies who also have someone serving away from home.
It filled my heart with warmth.
We didn't know each other but all ate cake and just chatted a few hours away that would have otherwise been spent in our houses alone, it always reaffirms we absolutely all feel the same. One lovely lady was telling me how she missed a call from a number on her phone and cried because she thought she'd missed her husband calling for the number to then ring back and was a survey call which made her cry again...then her husband did manage to call and she cried again! It is that roller coaster of we can't contact them so it is a waiting game and sometimes they call at the worst time or you miss it and the emotions just spill out. We have ALL been there, those tears when you miss a call are so real.
The other half of this week has been slightly plagued with me really thinking and soul searching as to why I crumble sometimes when dealing with separation, especially as I should be so bloody used to it by now!
I get consumed by the responsibility of having sole care 24/7 for our daughter.
That was a hard admission! I promised myself to honestly account this time apart via the blog and I am finding by doing this I am learning a lot about myself and how I work which hopefully if I can articulate to you it will make others find that comfort and strength I so want to spread.
When I am flying solo for a longer period of time I struggle at night, I struggle when things go wrong and I struggle when it comes to making decisions for our daughter on my own. This week she wanted to go to the cinema with her friends....short story is she is 14 wanted to get a train on a Saturday night to see a 15 film and I just wasn't OK with it for lots of reasons but the point is I didn't have my husband here to ask his opinion, I couldn't ring or text him, I had to make a decision and be comfortable with it, what if she went and something happened and then I would have to take that on my shoulders. I didn't let her go.
There is no manual for being a parent or a military family and some of this is normal everyday stuff but I haven't chosen to be a single parent, I am sometimes due to us being a military family in situations that I just don't feel equipped to deal with and at those times my heart aches a bit that I am in this on my own at times where I just don't want to be.
On top of cinema clash this week my daughter had a situation where she became poorly very suddenly at a swimming competition, it scared her and it scared me and I flapped. I didn't know what to do, my husband is way better than me in situations like that and I felt really rubbish. It was OK, I got her home gave her tons of TLC and she was and will be fine. It shook me up, I wanted to be strong in that situation and I wasn't, all I wanted was my husband by my side.
My daughter was born in a foreign country to two serving military parents, from the age of 20 when I was pregnant I have doubted my ability as a Mummy, six long tours, a million exercises and courses later and I still have times when I doubt myself, when I am alone it is magnified which in summary is why I feel I struggle when my husband is deployed.
Can I fight off the baddies in the night alone?
Can I spot when my daughter is a bit poorly or really needs to go to hospital to have her appendix out?
Can I make the decision solo that she can do something she's not done before now shes a teenager?
Sometimes we are all trying to be Mummy and Daddy all rolled into one to children of all different ages and that is a huge responsibility especially if you can't make contact to get the reassurance you need but as someone said to be this week "all you can do is your best as a parent and your best is always good enough"
Huge high five to all of you out there keeping little humans alive while also managing to wade through a separation period, your best is just perfect for them.
Love Louise xxx
|We are all just doing our best to grow good humans|