Christmas with the black cloud

30th December and Christmas 2017 is now done, I have even taken the tree down although I am definitely not ready for January to arrive.

January = Deployment day

We found out in October that my husband was being deployed in January for over six months, it wasn't expected and it took a while to sink in. It meant that Christmas in my mind needed to be absolutely amazing and we would be blissfully happy throughout the entire duration of the festive season...no pressure! 

The reality was we all bickered, ate and drank too much and the job list I wrote my husband of 'things you need to do before you go away' has not had one of the jobs ticked off as yet BUT we did make it to the end of the list of things I booked and have made some lovely memories. We have over spent but we've said it over and over...we can save while he is away so might as well spend now while he is here.

Lovely hotel we stayed at in Winchester

I know myself, I know how I tick and I knew that Christmas would have a black cloud of deployment over it but I've made myself try where I can to put that in a box so it didn't ruin the festive season. The last long deployment we did I lost the plot in this pre-deployment phase, I just couldn't cope.

Six months or so just felt like such a huge mountain to climb and I wasn't confident I could do it staying in one piece with my sanity still intact.

I do feel like that now but I am not quite so unpredictable, I am not being purposely horrible to my husband and I'm not spending hours on end in bed crying...so it's an improvement! 

I have however felt vulnerable, I have wanted to batten down the hatches and overdose on my little family and my husband, I have felt really protective over our Christmas and not wanted any outside influences to ruin it. I have felt selfish.

***

Over Christmas I have thought so much about everyone who has had someone deployed because I have been there too and its rotten, I hope you are all OK and glad it is now over....give yourself a high five because I actually don't think there is anything harder than a Christmas deployment. You did it! you can now concentrate on some routine and normality returning so your countdown can begin again. 

As I found it hard to know what to send in a parcel when my husband has been away for Christmas I also found it really hard to think of what to buy my husband this year as he is actually going to be away for most of 2018 (deployment, home for a little bit then another couple of months away) the internet is a wonderful thing and I found a few things that I thought I'd share as you may want to send out to your loved ones if they are away or give them before they go.

Firstly a personalised printed pillowcase, a really simple idea which can be used wherever they are in the world. Lightweight and easy to pack/post. I got mine from Ultimate Line as found they were the cheapest (£4.99) and am really pleased with the quality. Website HERE and also available on eBay.

I also got a personalised wallet card from Martha Brook London, just a few special words for him to take away. Was £10 and ordered via the website HERE

Something else which I thought was a good find was the Battle Bags of coffee from the Contact Coffee Co a company run by ex military, I got a couple of the packs of 10 bags and again lightweight so easy to pack and/or post Just £4 for a pack of ten which you can order via their website HERE

 

I don't want January to come and to be quite honest I'm entering 2018 with real trepidation; I know deployment is hard it will be our seventh long tour, I'm scared because I know where he is going and how I have felt when he has been there previously and I know that invariably things go wrong when you are flying solo and I keep thinking of all the worst case scenarios of what might go wrong which is hard work on my emotional well-being.

I want to be brave and strong but I know I need to take my own advice and be kind to myself.

For all of us 2018 will bring challenges and I will be right here documenting our deployment as a modern military family in the hope of spreading some strength, I might need the odd hug too from you guys! 

Lots of love as we enter 2018 together, Louise xxx

My husband got me a new bracelet with his initial on so he is with me all the time he is away, so special.

I'm right there with you

It really has been a manic 10 days or so but here I am past 8pm sat on my laptop a few days before Christmas (with presents to buy and wrap still!) sitting and reflecting on all of you who I have met this week, your stories are imprinted in my mind and I have cried tears for all of you at various points.

I am also crying writing this post....a) they are I am so exhausted tears and b) because my heart aches for so many of you who are separated this Christmas.

I have spent Christmases with my husband deployed and the memory of those times are etched deep within me, I didn't want to put a tree up, I didn't want to be festive, I didn't want to go to parties and I didn't want to hear of all the lovely things everyone else was doing with their families because mine was fragmented.

Nothing I write will make you feel better about a solo Christmas and there is no right or wrong way for you to get through the next couple of weeks, but just know that you will, I promise.

Over the last week I have met lots of Little Troopers and their families through some projects we have worked on with LaplandUK, firstly we reunited two families which was one of the most rewarding things I have ever witnessed. From sitting with the nervous dad's waiting to see their families after months and months, to standing outside the Santa lodge hearing the sobs from children who were finally reunited with their parents to crying silently with the team who brought it together to watching the children wearing the biggest smiles walking hand in hand with the early Christmas present they had so longed for. I will never forget that day.

Waiting to hear the cue to reunite our Royal Navy dad with his Little Troopers

 

A few days later I was back at snowy LaplandUK this time with military families who had someone deployed over Christmas this year, to sprinkle some Christmas magic.

I get so emotional because it is always so close to home for me; I've felt that longing to cuddle my husband, I have felt that sadness of a Christmas on my own, I have felt that resentment of other people enjoying time together, I have felt that helplessness when my daughter misses her dad so much. Those tears are because I'm living and breathing this life right by your side.

The LaplandUK scheme doesn't cost the charity any money just time and love and energy to bring it together and I can't lie, it is always stressful in December but as I am winding down for the holidays I can sit and smile and know I did my very best to make as many Little Troopers as possible make a memory even though Mummy or Daddy wont be at home this Christmas and I am sending all my love and hugs to you.

As you know my husband deploys in the New Year so I am tip toeing into this Christmas with the black cloud slowly creeping into my consciousness, I know its on the horizon and that brings that weird feeling in my tummy when I think about it which will only get more frequent as deployment day looms. Right now though we are working our way though that list of endless festive things I booked to bimble though hopefully making some nice memories (read previous post here on this!)

I will write an after Christmas post and let you know how it goes and I will also write a post about what to buy the military partner who is going away for most of the following year! I've struggled but there's a few things I've found that I want to share, you might find them useful (obvs can't write it yet pre Christmas as he tends to be a lurker and reads these posts sometimes!)

I should also touch on The Sun newspaper article that ran last week about the charity, you can read it HERE, Little Troopers is in dark times financially with the pennies seriously drying up. The thought of having to close the charity makes my heart actually hurt and I really will fight until the last penny, I've not given up and a few amazing people are helping me to try and secure funding, raise money, pull together and make sure that Little Troopers remains. I will keep you posted.

Whatever your situation this Christmas remind yourself it is just one day, just another roast and time will pass bringing your light at the end of the tunnel closer. Be kind to yourself and know you aren't alone.

To all of you who have been so supportive over the last week or so THANK YOU, you are making me more determind then ever to carry on and to all of you who I have met in the last few days you have reminded me why I founded Little Troopers and why it is so important the charity is here for military children.

All my love and hugs, I will be thinking of so many of you over the next week so. Louise xxx

From me and the big man in red HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

I promise I won't give up

I have tried so many times to write posts over the last few weeks but just couldn't find the words, it really has been a strange time for a few reasons but today I decided I wanted to write a thank you to YOU, yes you for reminding ME I can't give up.

As you know if you've followed recent posts my husband was recently deployed for a few months, while he was away we found out he was deploying in early 2018 for seven months. This wasn't a tour that was on the radar or we were expecting so it took me a while to process it and get my head around it whilst frantically deciding we needed to book EVERY SINGLE FESTIVE ACTIVITY on the planet all at once so we had the most amazing Christmas we have ever had and we would waft through the seven months apart blissfully on the memories.

You and I both know there is a blog post coming very soon where the reality is oh so very different!

I am even rolling my own eyes at the way I am striving for a perfect Christmas prior to a long deployment because the pressure will be too much, emotions will be running high and I will be dreading the inevitable so will have the strange detachment behaviour I seem to have perfected, but hey I'm human and deployment does odd things to me!

I am living and breathing this military life just like you are, I was in the military and I'm married to the military with our own Little Trooper, moving lots as we live in military housing. Little Troopers was founded because my daughter needed support and no one would help me, her, us.... it was founded because lots of other military families said they also needed specific support, there was a very clear void in the support offered to children who have one or two parents serving in the British Armed Forces.

I absolutely did not wake up one day and want to start a charity, I had left the military and started a very full on and very full time corporate job but my daughter was suffering right before my eyes and no matter how many emails I wrote NO ONE would help and empower me to guide her through the challenges she was facing. I had to do something, anything to ease her suffering.

I read every single one of your emails and messages, I cry tears at most of them, I KNOW how much military children need this charity, and I promise you I won't turn my back on them.

We applied recently for some vital funding because as a charity we have always struggled to be granted funds and right now we are dangerously low. We don't have overheads, we don't have staff, we don't have a big bank balance but we are the sole charity for all children with a parent serving in the military and we aim to do as much as we can with the little we have to support as many of the 130,000 military children as we can. We were unsuccessful in the funding which was a real blow for lots of reasons but the main reason was to look down the long list of successful bids and see MILITARY CHILDREN AS A WHOLE ENTITY WERE A NON REPRESENTED GROUP, I don't understand it, not one successful project to roll out a consistent approach for support to military children at all and the theme of the funding was families. It isn't about me or Little Troopers, I don't really mind who provides the support but military children deserve recognition and specific tailored support for their various unique challenges.

I couldn't manage a blog post at the time as I was angry and disappointed but I did post on the Facebook page and your comments, messages and emails made me realise WE can still recognise our children, you and I can make sure they get the support needed. It is evident that the Little Troopers community is a strong one, filled with love and compassion and together we will and can be powerful.

I am promising you I won't give up, I will continue to give all my time and love and energy into making sure each day we survive to exist so our children living in this military life don't grow up disadvantaged, they grow up strong, proud and we helped them navigate through this British Armed Forces world we live in.

So thank you for your comments, messages and emails you made me realise we don't need 'their' approval or money because I have you and together we can ensure Little Troopers remain.

Lots of love, Louise xxx

We got there......finally!

"You must be so excited to have your husband home, is it just fantastic?"

This sentence has been said to me a lot over the last 2 and a half weeks and I feel such pressure to say the right thing, when someone is in front of you asking that question there is an answer they expect...."Yes it is just fabulous and we've been walking on air since the second he walked through the door" but that really isn't the truth.

I think many people from outside the military community have a romantic view about how this person in uniform comes in and out your life and it is rose tinted, great for photo opportunities and something like out of the movies. 

The reality is though it isn't like those quotes you see shared over the internet.

 

Your partner packing a bag and leaving your life for a few months and not having any input in the daily upbringing of children or life in general isn't easy then having to have the ability to manage your marriage on one 15 minute phone call a week which is testing for the strongest of couples to the teaching yourself to fix anything and everything via google searching!

That void is then filled by your partner returning and expecting everything to be exactly as it was as if a pause button was pressed when they left the front door months ago. It isn't.

You will have bought things, changed the living room around, your child will have done lots, changed and grown. You will have been to weddings and christenings on your own and you may well have been through situations that have tested your resilience while you were flying solo. You definitely didn't experience a pause button over that separation period!

This post is about time, it has taken me and my family a full 18 days for us to 'be back to normal' it has been a tough couple of weeks, we've not been walking on air and it hasn't been rose tinted. That time has been needed for all of us to find our feet again, catch up on what was missed and to get things out of our systems that we bottled up over that deployment. I know I talk about your light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes maybe we focus on that return date too much because the truth is sometimes the light at the end is actually a couple of weeks after they come home.

We persevered, we talked and ultimately the years of military life we've lived and the love that we have meant that we stuck with it and knew we'd get there eventually and once again we have. We found our normal but it wasn't instant and it did this time take longer that maybe some other times.

As always be kind to yourself, no homecoming will be the same but ALL will take time and as I say for us that was nearly three weeks! So if you are battling that initial period at the moment and you feel alone because it isn't how you imagined yet, breathe deep and believe that your normal will come, just give it yourselves time.

Louise xxx

Iraq and Afghanistan....you've changed me

Over the last few months I have blogged each week about the feelings and emotions of separation, I mentioned in a few posts about how I feel I have been shaped by various deployments and promised to write a post about it.

My husband is now home for a little while and I feel strong enough to put into words how the last 17 years have made me who I am, I've never openly spoken about this and only my very nearest and dearest know the extent but emotional well-being is something that interests me and I am really keen to hear your thoughts.

Do you think your emotional well-being is/has been affected due to deployments/separations?

Let's go back...waaaaay back to 2002 I know, I know, some of you reading this were probably still at school then but I forget how long I've been living this life! 2002 I was 20 and training to deploy to Iraq with my regiment then I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go so remained on rear party and waved off my husband. Nothing could really have prepared me for that Iraq war, it was a million times worse then I could have imagined with absolutely no contact at all. I was lucky in that I was serving so felt slightly comforted that people would tell me anything I needed to know but still I was young, pregnant, not long married, in a foreign country, all my friends had deployed and my family were all in the UK. It was really tough.

Iraq happened it was a 3 month deployment that initial war, my husband returned, I had our daughter and then....WHAT?! he went BACK to bloody Iraq this time for 6 months. I went back to work after 14 weeks maternity leave and seemed to badly bimble through that second Iraq but ultimately it lead me to leaving the Army as I just had no support and looking back this is probably where it started to affect me. 

When I reflect I can't quite believe everything I went through living in Germany on my own with  a new baby....my neighbours were dodgy so I had the military police camped out in my flat looking through the spy hole for 3 days, another neighbour called my health visitor to say 'my baby wouldn't stop crying' thanks for that as if I wasn't aware! I also got posted to a new regiment that continually reminded me 'you are a soldier first and a mum second' right, thanks for the support!

Myself and our daughter survived and my husband returned for what seemed a short while because then he was deployed on a UN tour of Cyprus. The wheels slightly fell off at this point and I ended up flying out to Cyprus with our daughter who was now about 18 months old.

In the space of 2 years or so I had got married, had a baby, been posted, survived about 16 months of deployment and I was still only 23, I just collapsed in a heap.

  

I needed to recharge, I was totally burnt out. We got a posting back to the UK and I remember really feeling a sense of relief, a really turbulent three years had taken its toll. I talk a lot about our emotional fuel tanks and blogged about it, READ HERE, at this point in my life my tank was totally empty.

We had a few years to catch our breath and my husband didn't go away, let's fast forward a bit to Afghanistan. Now we must be in 2007 and my husband had changed regiment to a UK based and then deployed to Afghanistan, the day he deployed was also the day my mum told me she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. It was all a bit of a blur this tour but was the first our daughter really understood he was away and the contact was really sporadic. He returned and my mum recovered.

The next tour of Afghanistan in 2010/11 was really where I suffered the worst. I really believe long deployments, especially those which come with danger can really scar you. Iraq and Afghanistan were so scary, you just didn't know if that knock at the door would come, you played every scenario through your mind, you feared the worst and hoped for the best. Those emotions are exhausting.

I had a pretty stressful job, our daughter was 7 years old, we didn't live in quarters at this point and now I can be reflective I was not coping one bit. It started before my husband even deployed, just the thought of going back to that worry was sending me over the edge...I knew what was to come, I knew how hard it was going to be and I was frightened for myself and my emotions. Then he deployed. I was anxious and wasn't sleeping, I actually remember one night having my dad on speaker on my pillow all night because I was going stir crazy with worry. I tried to self help and bought myself some books, searched the internet, read some blogs, I joined Twitter which opened up a community of others going through similar and actually made some friends through that which I will be eternally grateful for.

I was working full time, I was crippled with worry and uncertainty, I was desperately trying to help my daughter who was not coping at all with the deployment, I was trying to avoid the news and papers, I was trying to keep everything as normal as possible and failing....

It was without doubt the darkest time in my life

I developed what I now know to be stress induced OCD, it crippled me at night time. (I have never openly discussed this so please be gentle with me but I hope it open discussions) I had so much going round in my head I just couldn't process it, along with the consuming responsibility for a child who was coping really badly with the deployment the output was this behaviour I couldn't control. I would have to unplug EVERYTHING, I was obsessed with checking the front door was locked about 100 times, I always needed to check the cooker hob buttons were off.....I'd then go up to bed, wasn't satisfied so had to go back down and check everything again....then I'd get back into bed....and so the cycle continued. Sometimes this would happen for maybe an hour or more up and down those stairs, checking and re-checking until I passed out having to get up sometimes just five hours later for work. Over the seven months this got worse and worse, I was utterly, totally emotionally and mentally exhausted...the front door didn't even survive the ordeal I had to have the door replaced twice because I had pushed the handles so hard to check it was locked I ended up breaking the mechanism. I was very very private about what was happening only confiding in family and my best friend because I was embarrassed and confused and I am very thankful there was no judgement from them, just worry, they wanted to take it all away but they couldn't.

That tour is why Little Troopers exists.

I got through that tour in one piece as did my daughter, not entirely sure how but those seven months along with all the other deployments previously shaped me, it is why I am who I am today. The OCD subsided and these days if my husband goes away I can feel if it is returning but it is never to the extent it was back then, I know what triggers it, I know it is temporary and I know to give my mind a break. We have a long Afghanistan tour coming up in the new year and I can't lie and say I'm not apprehensive because I am, I want to cope, but only time will tell.

Emotional well-being is so important and it is also important to know yourself and learn about yourself. Our bodies are really complex and stress can have many different outputs, this is just my story and my experiences with hopefully the aim of sharing being that if you are reading this and  going through a deployment and you feel like you aren't yourself then just know you aren't alone and it is often temporary. Your light at the end of the tunnel will come, I promise.

Below is my favourite quote and something I live by, it is so very true. I hope this post has brought some comfort and strength. 

Lots of love, Louise xxxx

A bittersweet homecoming

I don't really know where to start with this post, it seems so much has happened in a short space of time, it's taken me a while to process it all and to reach the point where I could share.

My husband ended up only being away for two months in the end, I think what it does prove is no matter how long the separation period you go on the same journey, we feel the same things be it two months or nine months. Be kind to yourself.

I found out while my husband was away that he is now being deployed for seven months in early January, this will mean nearly 10 months out of 12 he will have been away from home. We weren't expecting this deployment and finding out by text and not being about to chat through everything together was tough.

I felt really numb

He was away, he'd come home, we'd get back to normal for a couple of months then he'll be off again. I also know myself and I REALLY wanted to deal with it well so that there isn't a black cloud over Christmas. It is happening and I want to be a supportive wife so I'm trying very very hard to be positive and know that I will be OK with the help of lots of special people who are in my life.

Enough about the pending deployment.......my husband came home last week and it has taken a full five days for us to settle back into being in each others company. 

How about you? Does resettling back into things take a while for you?

I don't know if I have always been emotionally complex or if 18 years of military life has made me emotionally complex...but the fact remains I am.

Excitement isn't something I feel, relief is always there but not excitement. He came in at about 4am and got into bed, it was dark and I couldn't see him but I was glad to know he was home, it was strange to have someone breathing next to me, how can even breathing annoy you?! The next morning he surprised our daughter and went and woke her up and she was beside herself, so so happy she wore a huge smile all day.

Then reality kicks in, the kit that is left everywhere, the tidy house which suddenly isn't tidy any more, the over flowing washing basket, the empty milk carton....the list is endless and for a couple of days we bicker and I snap. He does really try and blend back in and make it as smooth as possible but I think when they are away we force ourselves to be strong and independent so we  can survive so when they come back it is hard to readjust, just as it was hard when he first went.

The pile that lets you know they are most definitely home!

The harder I push him away the more I need him to pull me closer

 A marriage in the military really is often all or nothing...you go from not hearing from them in nine days to suddenly they are home and on leave at home by your side 24/7 and for any human no matter how adaptable you are, no matter how flexible you think you are emotionally it is hard to switch between the two and no matter how much practice you have I find it doesn't get easier.

So we are five days on from him returning and I feel like its been a really tough 10 days or so of restless nights sleep, emotions running high and over thinking but we are getting there. We feel comfortable again and as a unit we are readjusting and getting used to being 2+1 again.

Some very specials friends and family have been right by my side these last couple of months and I also know they will be there come the New Year once we are saying our goodbyes again. The thought fills me with dread but I am determined to have a really nice couple of months before that is upon us.

For now though......my lobster is home. Louise xxx

DING DING All change!!!!!

Some times it really can feel like you are on this separation train and for this week its has been a funny old ride and it is now our time to get off, I haven't dealt with that very well.

So this was meant to be a three month separation for us but my husband messaged me this week to say he is now coming back next week which means its only been just over two months. It is strange isn't it that in military terms we think that is such a short time but to others outside the military being separated with little contact for over two months would be huge. We shouldn't let ourselves devalue any separation, all are tough.

OK so potentially some of you reading this will be thinking I should be happy about this, jumping for joy, delighted that our light at the end of the tunnel has arrived sooner that we thought and lets be honest it is normally the news that they are delayed not coming back earlier.

The truth is I wasn't happy when I first heard my husband was coming home early

I promised to write an honest account of ALL the feelings and emotions through a separation and so that needs to be the good, the bad and the ugly and do not think this has been an easy post to write. I am laying my soul out but the point of doing that is hopefully to spread that strength that if you too feel any of these things, it is just part of the train ride.

I have now processed things throughout this week and feel ready to articulate what I felt and potentially why and also how I came out the other side.

My husband text to say he was being put on an earlier flight home, he of course was really happy and asked me not to tell our daughter so he could surprise her. All I could think about was how I had planned lots of things, my diary was packed, I was seeing people, saving money and going places in half term AND THIS WASN'T IN THE PLAN!! I was in my groove, the last three weeks or so I'd got there and finally felt like I was coping with deployment and actually enjoying some elements of it. 

My mind had accepted the change and processed it and we were doing just fine.

Now you were going to come home and ruin all that.

Do not for one minute think this has any reflection on my love for my husband, I adore him and have missed him so so much this last couple of months. In that time we have spoken maybe four or five times and I feel like so much has happened at home and he doesn't even know, it has been a tough one. I reacted badly and was a bit of a bitch to him, I pushed him and his excitement away.

I have been kind to myself this week and tried to have time to explore my feelings. You see it is about emotional safety, our emotional fuel tanks take batterings as military families and sometimes I close down to keep myself emotionally safe. It looks like for us we have a seven month tour on the horizon in early January and I found that out again by text message a few days before the early return date. I knew the rollercoaster I had just been on in this separation and just managed to level out and I knew he was going to now come home and I would fall back into family unit mode especially with Christmas leave and then I could already see the next deployment on the horizon.

I was scared. Scared for me and my emotions.  

 

I rationalised, talked about it and as the days passed I came to terms with both things and allowed myself to feel excited about my husband returning. I have missed his face so so much and I honestly can't wait to see him.

Historically I am not great at homecomings, never have been. I find it all a bit awkward and much prefer my husband to just come home with no big fuss and get back to some kind, our kind, of normal.

It really is an emotional rollercoaster and although I never get used to it I am better these days and being kinder to myself, learning why I feel what I feel. We can't control our feelings but we can talk about them to give comfort that we really are all in this together.

Louise xxxx